It is traumatic and devastating when an affair disrupts the reliable stability of a relationship. This causes both partners to pick up pieces before starting from scratch, which is painful. One of the questions partners recover from an affair is, "What happened?" Even though individuals and relationships are unique, are there any similarities between the problems?
Dr John Gottman with Dr Caryl Rusbult and Dr Shirley Glass explain an affair as a sequence of steps leading to the culmination of a transgression. It all starts with being careful. If that sounds like a simple excuse for an affair, it isn't. When a person cannot rely on their partner when they need them, it leads to unfavorable comparisons, emotional distancing, and ultimately betrayal, even fall in love. . Based on the research, the stages of Betrayal (GottmanRusbultGlass Cascade) are as follows.
Turning Away
Partners can make emotional offers they have encountered without turning to. If you turn away, you will be ignored or switched and it will be included as a dictionary. "Do you want to plan a weekend?" Meet silence or "Can you be busy?" The tender partner refused and injured. The offers have failed over time "you will not be there", "repeating the belief that the confidence associated with the partner will be gradually eroded. The expected denial is that the tender partner, the partner of the offers begins the flood (stress), vulnerable, critical or undesirable.
Negativity and avoidance
The bidding partner soon enters a negative absorption state, which is the negative effect of previous failed bids that accumulates with each new unsuccessful bid. It will be easier for you to get into a negative state but harder to get out of, leading to a persistent negative state of mind. Unheard requests soon turn into heated and unnecessary arguments. As a result, the partner tenderly restrains emotions and needs, which helps to avoid conflict and self-disclosure.
Investing less and comparing more
When partners rate the relationship favorably over other alternatives, they are more likely to stay attached to the relationship, as Thibaut and Kelley suggest. Thus, unfavorable comparisons push the relationship towards lack of commitment and betrayal. The bidding partner begins to compare the partner negatively with a real or imagined partner who will make him feel appreciated. When it is deemed futile to reach a partner with an emotional offer, the offers and investments in the partner are reduced, while the substitution begins.
Feeling less dependent and making fewer sacrifices
As Rusbult notes, commitment is a gradual process of establishing a good level of comparison for the relationship between alternatives. Likewise, the opposite process of giving up is a gradual process of comparing levels of disadvantage with other options. Commitment motivates people to make sacrifices while reinforcing interdependence. It also leads to alternatives that offend their partner. As the reliability or reliability of the partner decreases, the trust also decreases. The partner opens up to others and engages in discussions (or introspective speech) to amplify the negative qualities of the relationship.
Trashing vs. cherishing
When you maximize the negative qualities of a partner, you also minimize the positive qualities. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (defense, criticism, contempt and kick) have become endemic. Gottman suggests that people engaged in their relationship cherish their partner by remembering the good points with gratitude, even when they are not together. An essential part of the relationship, appreciation and expression of gratitude, is replaced by denigration of the partner (in person and in front of others).
Resentment and loneliness in relationship
The audit of the partner is replaced by a bitter taste. Anger seems to be a quiet debate, as a partner feels selfish and surprised. "My ex-boys would have better understood me," or "my colleagues have been strengthened as a negative comparison, like" my colleagues would be more than my partner ". With loneliness, vulnerability to other relationships increases. Angry built. There is a weak sexual desires and screaming performance. Rejecting sex can lead to the blame of a partner, and the case of refusal can be improved and that cascades can be improved.
Idealizing alternative relationships
Less dependent on the partner, less dependent on the relationship for basic needs, less invested in the relationship while idealizing alternative relationships, and thinking less about the more positive relationship. Instead, thoughts about a long-term relationship like "maybe we'd be better off without the other," "leaving the relationship might be more of a relief than hanging on" and so on. The window between the partners is replaced by a wall, because the window opens to the strangers. Other harmless connections provide safe homes.
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Secrets and crossing boundaries
The secret begins with the omission. Other patterns such as inconsistency, lies, and breach of trust also followed. While in respectful relationships, interactions with others that cause harm to the partner are avoided, in disparaging relationships, attachment relationships with others are avoided. Find a way to fill the dominant emotional void. As concealment increases with a partner, one person actively turns to the other, and at a vulnerable point, the line is crossed and real betrayal occurs.
When one partner crosses the waterfall of betrayal, the other partner sees the ground sink beneath their feet. Trusts are broken and over time they can develop into post-traumatic stress disorder.
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